Hot Hot Heat...

How I would give anything to trade places with someone overseas right about now.
Or rather wish that my hometown had better facilities than an over crowded swimming pool filled with children.
A beach for example would be great.
Or even if the air conditioner got fixed that would also be great.
Today peaked at 45 degrees celcius. The humidity is ridiculous!

It makes me feel so restless. I can't sit at the computer for too long as it gets to hot, and I need to go refill my glass of ice. I can't read for too long before I have to get off the lounge as it gets to hot. I can't watch TV comfortably due to the heat. I can't get to sleep until 2/3 am because normally you'd think the nights would cool down a bit but no such luck. I then wake at 8 because it starts to heat up again.

I knew there was a reason to as why I didn't like summer! Being in a drought affected area doesn't help with water restrictions and all.

Anyway I'm going to stop complaining and go see if the Ice has set in the freezer yet already. I NEED MORE!

Realisations and Revelations..

I think I have a tendency to lead guys on. I feel bad about it, but a couple situations have just happened over the last month that has made me (over)think about this problem.
In the words of Katy Perry, I'm too hot and cold, yes then no, in then out, up and then down. One minute, I'll meet a nice guy, get along with him really well, share a kiss or more, and then I'll be ready to forget about him and move on. Meanwhile there he is texting me, wanting to meet up again, wanting more...possibly a relationship and I just don't know what to do to show my interest is lacking. It's happened to a few guys lately, and I feel like a horrible person. I am keen on them at the time, but I don't know. I'm not against relationships at all, to be honest right now I'd quite like one, but I don't want to jump into it for the sake of being with someone.

Then I start to think - am I too shallow? Too quick to point out their flaws in a bid to turn me off them? Or am I just not meeting the type of guy I can commit to?

It's pretty confusing. And I genuinely like these guys, but after that initial first hook up, I just want to be friends and generally they don't want just friendship. They either try to make it more serious, or expect me to hook up with them on a casual level.

I'm personally in a confused state of mind. I guess when I like someone, and want more I'll know at the time. But for now, I'm enjoying the single life. I enjoy when a kiss is just a kiss, and it's just a random one off encounter. I'm just kind of tired of feeling like I may be hurting people in the process.

The sound of the new year saviour, pen on paper.

Merry new year to all !

So my night begins at 7, with a bowl of punch. No, sorry not a bowl but a bucket. My friends made it up and it apparently included 4 bottles of passion pop, some midori, vodka and smirnoff double blacks. I decide to have a little taste and it surprisingly is quite good.
The night involved a bit of table dancing at pre drinks, and finally my friend came to pick us up to take us out. She got ready at hers, and along with her boyfriend we lined up outside the nightclub. By this time it was 11.40 pm and I resigned myself to the fact that I'd be welcoming the new year on the street.

However, the massive line up, got through rather quickly so with 5 minutes to spare we made it inside. A casual friend of mine offered to be my new years kiss. I politely declined..well I hope it was polite. I'd rather not be kissed, then wake up the next morning with regret looming in the back of my mind.

So the clock strikes 12. Streamers, confetti etc being thrown. My friend starts pashing her boyfriend. This is sufficiently awkward as I stand there looking bored. Thankfully a guy I used to go to school with comes up and gives me a hug, and some other guy I have now named 'hot stranger' gives me a kiss on the cheek.

The rest of the night passes, and it's a fun night. Met some pretty awesome people who I will hopefully see out again some time soon. Also have some guys necklace and no way of contacting him to give it back :S

Anyway goodbye the awesome year of 2008, and hello to what is going to be a VERY different year.

Hectic hectic night

So my friend Zeb and I were talking, on Friday and were both like we need an awesomely drunk night Saturday! So the plan was underway.

So Zeb picks me up at 7, and we go back to his house with some others to get started on the pre drinks.
By 9, Zeb is rather drunk and me deciding that bourbon and cola doesn't agree with me at all, ends up moving onto the Passion Pop.
By 10, Zeb is passing out, waking up and vomiting everywhere. Well 3/4 of a bottle of vodka will do that to you. So Zeb and I, and our fun night at the pubs won't be happening tonight.
I myself, am feeling no effects on the alcohol yet. 2 cans of bourbon, and a whole bottle of passion pop, so I sit there vaguely wondering what is wrong with me.

However after Zeb tells us he has called '18 taxis' before passing out for good, the remaining of us going out manage to scrounge a lift to another friends house, while 3 others stayed home with Zeb to make sure he is ok.

As we start walking to the pubs, I am feeling good. A little tipsy, the alcohol is doing its work finally. Delayed reaction, but hey, I was drinking rather slowly.
At the pub Tayt and I down some goon sunrises and do some sort of shot. This is where the night becomes a blur.
I remember being in the toilets, and nearly falling asleep on the ground there. Who says I am not a classy lady?
I don't even make it till 12 am before I get kicked out of The Vic. To this day, I still have no idea what I did to get kicked out? Did I fall over? Just act drunk and disorderly? I cannot remember for the life of me!

So we head to the nightclub instead and time passes super quick there. My friend who I am going home with, leaves, but I didn't remember her leaving at all.
Thankfully another friend is able to walk me home. How he put up with me I don't know. I kept randomly stopping in the middle of the street to sit down, fell over in the gutter. Got an epic bruise because of it.

I awake the next morning to hear my phone ringing. I am on the ground, in a house with no furniture. This is not my friends sisters house!
Feeling surprisingly good, I make my way upstairs to see my friend sitting in another room with no furniture. As I walk up the stairs I see a male passed out on the ground in the middle of the hallway. On closer inspection I realise we are in the house next door to her sisters house. Obviously I would of realised we were at Marcus's last night instead of Jess's, but the only memory of coming home I have, is falling over when I went to step off the gutter.

Felt a little queasy after a while, but was surprised at how well I pulled up considering how drunk I had been. It was nothing a chicken nugget happy meal couldn't fix!

All in all, interesting night. In a fuzzy, 'oh gosh I can't remember a thing' kind of way.

Decisions

I do have a year to make my decisions. But I didn't expect to have so many. I didn't expect to manage to get high HSC and UAI marks. It came as much as of a surprise to me as it did to EVERYONE. I almost had to laugh at everyones reactions to how I did. One of my friends (who is thought to get dux) was obviously very surprised that I equalled her in some results. My other friend, who I used to laugh with about not getting 80 in english because it seemed such a ludicrous idea, was in shock when I got 86 (actually having said that I was too.)

So while I had originally been thinking I had no chance whatsoever to get the 80 in two subjects which would put my conditional early entry offer foward, I managed to nearly get in the 90s for these subjects. So now I am in the course that seemed so difficult to get into. It required a UAI of 78 to get in, and this normally is harder than it seems. So if I hadn't got early entry I believed I had no hopes of getting in based on my UAI. I thought I was lucky if I could scrape a 65 to get into a Canberra creative writing course.

So I awake this morning and check the dreaded UAI. And what to I see?

83.20. Yes my UAI is in the 80s. Which ironically means any course I applied for (theres about 6) I can get in. So now I have a choice to make.
Do I want to follow what could help my dream of becoming a music journalist or entertainment writer, and major in journalism?
Do I want to go off whim a bit and major in screen studies, because of the look of the course?
Or do I want to take a chance, and do the course that holds my interest but that may leave jobs and options limited when I graduate, and do a creative arts: creative writing course?

Like I said, seeing I'm taking a year off, I have a while to decide. But I just never thought I'd have to make these decisions. Rather, I never thought I'd be able to pick and choose between everything I applied for. It's an odd feeling....

The HSC is not the be all and end all..

Is the mantra I was repeating to myself last night as I couldn't sleep.

However now...I DON'T CARE! I'm into Wollongong uni! Thankyou HSC results.
So I shall most probably defer for a year, before heading 5 hours away from home, to the coastal city of Wollongong, and study a Bachelor of Media and Communications, most probably majoring in journalism.

I'm not going to lie, it would of been nice to get at least one band 6 and missing out on getting it by 1 mark sucks, but hey I am so freaking happy with these results. Never ever expected this.

Still kinda worried about the UAI that comes out tomorrow, because as the UAC booklet showed 'John got 75 in all his subjects but still got a UAI of 57.35' or some shit. So I'm kinda worried by UAI will be scaled down a bit, maybe to the 60s, because of the subjects I chose to do.

But who cares anyway I'M ALREADY IN ON EARLY ENTRY!

I give over my whole world of make believe..

Lately I've been feeling hopeless. It sounds really stupid actually. On the outside I shouldn't have any sort of reason to be feeling such negative feelings. And I know this mood will pass.
Seeing or hearing little things, that shouldn't mean anything, get to me because I tend to overanalyse a lot. Such as reading an email my parents wrote to an aunt that lives a few hours away:

"Lauren is doing really well in uni, recieving great marks etc etc"
"Renae recently made it to NSW level for running, a great achievement"
"Tahlia is well."

Sometimes I envy my sisters as much as I love them. Then that makes me feel like an awful person. Lauren (eldest sister) is so focused. She knows what she wants to do, and goes about doing it. It also helps that she is incredibly pretty. Renae (youngest sister) is the sort of one that has alot going for her. Sporty, athletic, smart enough, outgoing personality.

One night it came to the point in having to describe each girl. "Laurens the pretty, smart one" Renae had decided. I told Renae she was also the equally pretty but sports talented one. Then it's Tahlia's turn. After much umm-ing and ahh-ing I got this one "Tahlia's the...imaginative one?"

Going through life being the dreamer, isn't going to take me very far. Not in my world. I gave up the battle for my parents attention long ago. Don't get me wrong, they are great parents, but when you've got your middle child sufficiently lacking in looks and talent then of course the attention is more directed to the other two.

So to me, it's okay they didn't notice when I locked myself in the bathroom after every meal. It's okay when they didn't notice me picking at my food at the dinner table. It's okay when they didn't notice self inflicted injuries. It's okay when they didn't notice me not having the energy to get out of bed on numerous occasions. To be perfectly honest I am happy they didn't notice. Because then I could help myself. I was the one that pulled myself through these stages. No one else. Not them, not professionals. And looking back, I wouldn't want it any other way.

Don't get me wrong, I'm normally quite happy and easygoing. But sometimes I wonder if all the fight I had to possess to get me through certain situations is still there. I have no direction for my future. I don't know what I want to do or where I want to be, and this scares me. I want to be able to find something in life to be passionate about, and to succeed so well in, because then I can prove people wrong. I can prove that I can be noticed and I can prove that I do have the ability and talent to succeed.

I have my 2009 goal, so it seems.