Appearances and illusions

I think that when someone is self-conscious about something on their body/face, that they tend to take more notice of these features on other people.
For example, I am most self conscious about my nose and teeth. So I tend to notice these features on my friends, on people I have just met, people I don't even know, or people on TV more so than I would notice their hair, weight (unless it was really obvious), eyes etc.
I don't notice to judge them, but I notice to compare.
These sort of comparisons are probably not that healthy, especially when the majority of the time it will leave me even more self-conscious.

When I mentioned this theory to someone, they laughed at me and said they didn't even take notice of these features of myself I don't like. Which makes me think of different peoples perceptions. Such as one of my friends thinks she has a 'chubby' face but I have never noticed in my life, until she pointed it out, then I still disagreed.
It's funny what we have hang ups about as individuals within ourselves, other people may have never noticed. So maybe our noses, eyes, faces, mouth, teeth aren't as bad as we think they are? Or maybe because we are just so used to seeing our images, that we scrutinise it and pick out what we consider flaws so much easier than what another person would do.

Maybe it all comes down to having self-confidence or not caring what people think. Or maybe an individual, will always have that seed of self-doubt implanted in them, no matter what they look like to other people.

One of those nights, when you leave me for no reason

Sometimes I have repetitive conversations with my dad. They go like this...

Me: Daaaaaad, can you please kill a spider in my room?
Dad: Ok then
Me: Thankyou!
Dad: Ok its gone
Me: Thankyou!

Or in the case of last night, conversation one was said, and then 30 minutes later came conversation two.

Me: daaaaaaaad theres another one!
Dad: *sigh* Again?
Me: *nods, and sticks bottom lip out*
Dad: Ok ok
Me: Thankyou!
Dad: Ok its dead *shows me*
Me: AHHH *screams and runs away*



I can't explain it right now, my I have this weird case of paranoia kicking in due to some different situations. I don't like this as it makes me feel inferior. It worries me all day, and I can't sleep at all. Half the time it could be over one thing that someone has said and then I stress about it all night, wondering if I have done something wrong, wondering how to fix things when it may not even be my fault. But I am always so ready to jump to the conclusion that it must have been something I have done wrong. I don't know why.
It's only 9.05 am but I can tell it's already going to be one of those days...

Cliche

I have become one of those girls I swore to myself I never would become. The type that is instantly happy when talking to him, the type who checks their phone more often than usual in hope that he has wrote another message, the type that could talk to him all day, but fears looking desparate, the type that will automatically think of him and imagine what could be when she has a spare moment and the type that knows perfectly well for the time being, any concept or notion of some sort of romance is way out of the question but still remains pathetically naive, even oblivious to this fact in the hope that something may eventuate when the two futures collide.
The type that knows perfectly well for now she is wasting time, but doesn't care.


In other news;
- I have a full time job starting in 2 weeks. While it's not my ideal job and has 40 hour working weeks, the pay is good. If I work for 6 months it allows me to earn around $15 000, and by the time next year rolls around I'll have earnt the $18 000 needed, to be able to receive government support for when I go to university which will be a relief.

- I got sick of my natural brown hair colour, and proceeded to dye it dark brown and red. Every few months I go through some weird invention stage. And before anyone dares to say I'm moving into a scene kid stage -- been there, done that :P

- Every day this month has been over 35 degrees celcius. You can see the heat shimmering of the roads. It's like one of those really bad country and western movies where the heat is so visible in the air. I walk past people on the street, see make up sweating off their red faces, their slightly damp hair tied back messily, sunglasses slipping off their noses. I also see other people panting along the side of their road, pushing their legs and arms in earnest desperation to keep running faster, in a bid to stay fit. I want to ask them if they are crazy, sit them down, get them a bottle of water, slap them on the face to wake them up. But I just watch.

- I went a month without alcohol/partying, then decided to celebrate in a very drunken fashion, so much so I got a lecture on my parents on drinking responsibly. I love how they ignore the fact that I don't drink for a month, then one night I have a little bit to much and the next day I get sat down for a lecture, while I am miserably hungover and staring at them bleary eyed, eyes fluttering in a bid to go back to bed and sleep it off, not taking in a word of what they have to say.

That's about it for now!

Hot Hot Heat...

How I would give anything to trade places with someone overseas right about now.
Or rather wish that my hometown had better facilities than an over crowded swimming pool filled with children.
A beach for example would be great.
Or even if the air conditioner got fixed that would also be great.
Today peaked at 45 degrees celcius. The humidity is ridiculous!

It makes me feel so restless. I can't sit at the computer for too long as it gets to hot, and I need to go refill my glass of ice. I can't read for too long before I have to get off the lounge as it gets to hot. I can't watch TV comfortably due to the heat. I can't get to sleep until 2/3 am because normally you'd think the nights would cool down a bit but no such luck. I then wake at 8 because it starts to heat up again.

I knew there was a reason to as why I didn't like summer! Being in a drought affected area doesn't help with water restrictions and all.

Anyway I'm going to stop complaining and go see if the Ice has set in the freezer yet already. I NEED MORE!

Realisations and Revelations..

I think I have a tendency to lead guys on. I feel bad about it, but a couple situations have just happened over the last month that has made me (over)think about this problem.
In the words of Katy Perry, I'm too hot and cold, yes then no, in then out, up and then down. One minute, I'll meet a nice guy, get along with him really well, share a kiss or more, and then I'll be ready to forget about him and move on. Meanwhile there he is texting me, wanting to meet up again, wanting more...possibly a relationship and I just don't know what to do to show my interest is lacking. It's happened to a few guys lately, and I feel like a horrible person. I am keen on them at the time, but I don't know. I'm not against relationships at all, to be honest right now I'd quite like one, but I don't want to jump into it for the sake of being with someone.

Then I start to think - am I too shallow? Too quick to point out their flaws in a bid to turn me off them? Or am I just not meeting the type of guy I can commit to?

It's pretty confusing. And I genuinely like these guys, but after that initial first hook up, I just want to be friends and generally they don't want just friendship. They either try to make it more serious, or expect me to hook up with them on a casual level.

I'm personally in a confused state of mind. I guess when I like someone, and want more I'll know at the time. But for now, I'm enjoying the single life. I enjoy when a kiss is just a kiss, and it's just a random one off encounter. I'm just kind of tired of feeling like I may be hurting people in the process.

The sound of the new year saviour, pen on paper.

Merry new year to all !

So my night begins at 7, with a bowl of punch. No, sorry not a bowl but a bucket. My friends made it up and it apparently included 4 bottles of passion pop, some midori, vodka and smirnoff double blacks. I decide to have a little taste and it surprisingly is quite good.
The night involved a bit of table dancing at pre drinks, and finally my friend came to pick us up to take us out. She got ready at hers, and along with her boyfriend we lined up outside the nightclub. By this time it was 11.40 pm and I resigned myself to the fact that I'd be welcoming the new year on the street.

However, the massive line up, got through rather quickly so with 5 minutes to spare we made it inside. A casual friend of mine offered to be my new years kiss. I politely declined..well I hope it was polite. I'd rather not be kissed, then wake up the next morning with regret looming in the back of my mind.

So the clock strikes 12. Streamers, confetti etc being thrown. My friend starts pashing her boyfriend. This is sufficiently awkward as I stand there looking bored. Thankfully a guy I used to go to school with comes up and gives me a hug, and some other guy I have now named 'hot stranger' gives me a kiss on the cheek.

The rest of the night passes, and it's a fun night. Met some pretty awesome people who I will hopefully see out again some time soon. Also have some guys necklace and no way of contacting him to give it back :S

Anyway goodbye the awesome year of 2008, and hello to what is going to be a VERY different year.

Hectic hectic night

So my friend Zeb and I were talking, on Friday and were both like we need an awesomely drunk night Saturday! So the plan was underway.

So Zeb picks me up at 7, and we go back to his house with some others to get started on the pre drinks.
By 9, Zeb is rather drunk and me deciding that bourbon and cola doesn't agree with me at all, ends up moving onto the Passion Pop.
By 10, Zeb is passing out, waking up and vomiting everywhere. Well 3/4 of a bottle of vodka will do that to you. So Zeb and I, and our fun night at the pubs won't be happening tonight.
I myself, am feeling no effects on the alcohol yet. 2 cans of bourbon, and a whole bottle of passion pop, so I sit there vaguely wondering what is wrong with me.

However after Zeb tells us he has called '18 taxis' before passing out for good, the remaining of us going out manage to scrounge a lift to another friends house, while 3 others stayed home with Zeb to make sure he is ok.

As we start walking to the pubs, I am feeling good. A little tipsy, the alcohol is doing its work finally. Delayed reaction, but hey, I was drinking rather slowly.
At the pub Tayt and I down some goon sunrises and do some sort of shot. This is where the night becomes a blur.
I remember being in the toilets, and nearly falling asleep on the ground there. Who says I am not a classy lady?
I don't even make it till 12 am before I get kicked out of The Vic. To this day, I still have no idea what I did to get kicked out? Did I fall over? Just act drunk and disorderly? I cannot remember for the life of me!

So we head to the nightclub instead and time passes super quick there. My friend who I am going home with, leaves, but I didn't remember her leaving at all.
Thankfully another friend is able to walk me home. How he put up with me I don't know. I kept randomly stopping in the middle of the street to sit down, fell over in the gutter. Got an epic bruise because of it.

I awake the next morning to hear my phone ringing. I am on the ground, in a house with no furniture. This is not my friends sisters house!
Feeling surprisingly good, I make my way upstairs to see my friend sitting in another room with no furniture. As I walk up the stairs I see a male passed out on the ground in the middle of the hallway. On closer inspection I realise we are in the house next door to her sisters house. Obviously I would of realised we were at Marcus's last night instead of Jess's, but the only memory of coming home I have, is falling over when I went to step off the gutter.

Felt a little queasy after a while, but was surprised at how well I pulled up considering how drunk I had been. It was nothing a chicken nugget happy meal couldn't fix!

All in all, interesting night. In a fuzzy, 'oh gosh I can't remember a thing' kind of way.