Not happy krudd.

Dear Mr Kevin Rudd aka Prime Minister,

I am not happy with you. At All.
I would just like to point out, that many young people take a gap year ... key word being YEAR. This year equates to working hard for 12 months...not 18.
Generally we don't want a Gap GAP year. We take this year, and work our arses off (well some of us do) in order to meet the criteria to recieve youth allowance. And now what? You pull that opportunity out from under our feet? NOT HAPPY!

What about those of us who have to move 5 hours away from home? Who don't have the luxury of being able to live at home still to save money. Who may move to cities where it is generally difficult to find a job to be able to support ourselves. Who took this gap year for the SOLE purpose of earning the money to be able to get some government support? Well thankyou, for letting us know NOW that it was a waste of time.

In some senses I was glad I had a couple other reasons to take a gap year *Cough* license *cough*. And no doubt, I will be better off next year than I would have been if I went this year, cause I will have more money regardless, but this still doesn't change the fact that many school leavers, who have taken a gap year did it because they NEED the govt support. Not want, NEED.

Especially the rural kids. Especially those that have to move hours away from home. Especially those who wanted to focus hard on their studies for a while without having to worry about juggling uni and work in order to be able to support themselves.Bluntly - This fucking sucks. And once again, I repeat. I AM NOT HAPPY!

New blog;

While this blog is mostly centred on me and my feelings, what's going on in my life, I have decided to make a new blog, to blog on things in the outer world. Usually I put these blogs on myspace, some of them, but ultimately after I finish uni, I want to be a writer/journalist. This new blog is simply just practice, practice at writing, practice as analysing the entertainment world.

When saying I want to be a journalist I must be specific. I've never been a sports, weather, general news, politics girl. It's not the fact I don't care, it's the fact that my interested is waned. From a very young age though, the entertainment industry always fascinated me, the good and the bad aspects. I was reading my nonna's so called gossip magazines from a very tender age. I don't find the gossip so much fascinating, just more of the lives these so called role models or celebrities lead. Ever wondered what it would be like, to be in their shoes for one day? Some may scoff at me, but every person has a story to tell. I want to be able to tell the stories of others, in an honest and true portrayal, see the person behind the famous facade. Because in the end, they have their own battles to face and are human just like us.

Sometimes I have an obvious discernment towards the media. This can be obvious in my blogs. Why then do I want to join the industry that I can be critical towards? Strange I know, and I can't really explain it. To make a difference? I'm not sure. If I am fortunate enough to be able to be a music journalist or second best an entertainment writer, I would like to think I can do it well. Through my analysation of some magazines and the hypocrisy I see in them (See the first blog on my new page) I know that, that is not the type of reporting I want to do. And in knowing that, I think that can help make a difference.

So the link to the new blog. Follow, read, do what you do. See the world through my eyes;

http://tahliatalk.blogspot.com/

Reality vs dreaming

Your going along in life, wandering aimlessly. You are content enough, maybe in a slightly bored way. The time you spend earning money and working, you also spend day dreaming and opening up your imagination to what is to come in the next few years. Higher education, new friends, new town. A chance at love. These are the happy day dreams, the warm ones, the ones that get you through that long day at work, that keep you content at night, that push you through the next day, the next week, the next month.

There is one problem with being a dreamer; You have to eventually wake up.

I just got this feeling of weird and perplexing feeling of dread. It makes no sense. I was sitting here writing away on my latest short story and it hit me. Just like that. Something bad is going to happen. Melodramatic sounding yes? I know, and I realise. But have you ever had a feeling so strong, so overwhelming and powerful that you just can't ignore it? That you sit there biting your bottom lip, your mind running in circles, wondering what it could possibly be. You can't identify it, nor work around it, or block it out. It's there, just like the sky and grass outside, never moving and always apparent. And just like that, as if it's something I've always been aware of, I know something I'm not going to like at all is going to happen. I'm not going to stoop to such dramatic levels and be like 'something bad or something awful is going to happen,' because what I could consider bad in my life, another may see it as the path to growing up.

I was filled with this overwhelming feeling of dread, which sooned to paranoia and worry. And then I realised I think I have a feeling of what that thing may be. And then I realise it's ultimately my fault. I got ahead of myself too much, to the point where I allowed myself to become vulnerable and easily hurt. I allowed myself to become hopeful, to become a dreamer, to become pathetically naive, and in doing this I lost track of what my reality is, as I was constantly dreaming of what I wanted my reality to be.

I've landed back down to earth, with a thud.

If the suspense doesn't kill us, something else will

Everything seems a bit dead end right now.
I'm having a serious lack of energy and enthusiasm. Perfect example - A friend asks to go out Saturday night?
Normally a night of drinking, dancing, and socialising is a fun time for me. I sat there thinking 'you know what, I really cannot be bothered.'

But I force myself to go, because what else would I do but sit at home, and over think, and become totally emotive hardcore about things happening in my life, that really aren't that bad compared to what other people have to face. So I go, I smile, I come home exhausted from putting on such a fake act.

I'm not letting myself do this again. For every negative, I'm out to find a positive. Because I don't want to get to 10 years time, and look back and realise how good I had it, and how I never took advantage of it.

So

Negative: I'm not at uni with my friends this year
Positive: I'll go to uni with a shit load more money than they did

Negative: Some of my friendships that I never thought would fall apart seem to be. The strong bond, is slowly disintergrating, no matter how much effort I feel like I make.
Positive: Realising who my true friends are, and becoming more independant and meeting new people myself, rather than relying on others.

Negative: I hate my job. I hate getting up in the morning, and know thats where I am heading for 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week.
Positive: More determined to find something else that makes me happier.

Negative: My favourite band, The Getaway Plan, broke up
Positive: Ok sometimes you can't find a positive...


But you catch my drift.

Appearances and illusions

I think that when someone is self-conscious about something on their body/face, that they tend to take more notice of these features on other people.
For example, I am most self conscious about my nose and teeth. So I tend to notice these features on my friends, on people I have just met, people I don't even know, or people on TV more so than I would notice their hair, weight (unless it was really obvious), eyes etc.
I don't notice to judge them, but I notice to compare.
These sort of comparisons are probably not that healthy, especially when the majority of the time it will leave me even more self-conscious.

When I mentioned this theory to someone, they laughed at me and said they didn't even take notice of these features of myself I don't like. Which makes me think of different peoples perceptions. Such as one of my friends thinks she has a 'chubby' face but I have never noticed in my life, until she pointed it out, then I still disagreed.
It's funny what we have hang ups about as individuals within ourselves, other people may have never noticed. So maybe our noses, eyes, faces, mouth, teeth aren't as bad as we think they are? Or maybe because we are just so used to seeing our images, that we scrutinise it and pick out what we consider flaws so much easier than what another person would do.

Maybe it all comes down to having self-confidence or not caring what people think. Or maybe an individual, will always have that seed of self-doubt implanted in them, no matter what they look like to other people.

One of those nights, when you leave me for no reason

Sometimes I have repetitive conversations with my dad. They go like this...

Me: Daaaaaad, can you please kill a spider in my room?
Dad: Ok then
Me: Thankyou!
Dad: Ok its gone
Me: Thankyou!

Or in the case of last night, conversation one was said, and then 30 minutes later came conversation two.

Me: daaaaaaaad theres another one!
Dad: *sigh* Again?
Me: *nods, and sticks bottom lip out*
Dad: Ok ok
Me: Thankyou!
Dad: Ok its dead *shows me*
Me: AHHH *screams and runs away*



I can't explain it right now, my I have this weird case of paranoia kicking in due to some different situations. I don't like this as it makes me feel inferior. It worries me all day, and I can't sleep at all. Half the time it could be over one thing that someone has said and then I stress about it all night, wondering if I have done something wrong, wondering how to fix things when it may not even be my fault. But I am always so ready to jump to the conclusion that it must have been something I have done wrong. I don't know why.
It's only 9.05 am but I can tell it's already going to be one of those days...

Cliche

I have become one of those girls I swore to myself I never would become. The type that is instantly happy when talking to him, the type who checks their phone more often than usual in hope that he has wrote another message, the type that could talk to him all day, but fears looking desparate, the type that will automatically think of him and imagine what could be when she has a spare moment and the type that knows perfectly well for the time being, any concept or notion of some sort of romance is way out of the question but still remains pathetically naive, even oblivious to this fact in the hope that something may eventuate when the two futures collide.
The type that knows perfectly well for now she is wasting time, but doesn't care.


In other news;
- I have a full time job starting in 2 weeks. While it's not my ideal job and has 40 hour working weeks, the pay is good. If I work for 6 months it allows me to earn around $15 000, and by the time next year rolls around I'll have earnt the $18 000 needed, to be able to receive government support for when I go to university which will be a relief.

- I got sick of my natural brown hair colour, and proceeded to dye it dark brown and red. Every few months I go through some weird invention stage. And before anyone dares to say I'm moving into a scene kid stage -- been there, done that :P

- Every day this month has been over 35 degrees celcius. You can see the heat shimmering of the roads. It's like one of those really bad country and western movies where the heat is so visible in the air. I walk past people on the street, see make up sweating off their red faces, their slightly damp hair tied back messily, sunglasses slipping off their noses. I also see other people panting along the side of their road, pushing their legs and arms in earnest desperation to keep running faster, in a bid to stay fit. I want to ask them if they are crazy, sit them down, get them a bottle of water, slap them on the face to wake them up. But I just watch.

- I went a month without alcohol/partying, then decided to celebrate in a very drunken fashion, so much so I got a lecture on my parents on drinking responsibly. I love how they ignore the fact that I don't drink for a month, then one night I have a little bit to much and the next day I get sat down for a lecture, while I am miserably hungover and staring at them bleary eyed, eyes fluttering in a bid to go back to bed and sleep it off, not taking in a word of what they have to say.

That's about it for now!