High Hopes In Velvet Ropes

So, the past weekend my friend and I decided to take 8 friends back with us to our hometown, generally so they could meet our friends and have a fun and yes drunken night out.

This didn't quite go as expected. Certain incidents happened. I was disgusted with the lack of respect shown. I was left in tears on Saturday night with certain behaviours of some of the people we took back and barely got an apology the next day. All in all, I never got a chance to catch up with my friends from home and I guess this is what upset me the most.

Lucky I guess I'm not one to hold grudges. The last thing I want is the sort of bullshit drama in Wollongong that used to happen in Wagga. It makes me laugh (bitterly) to hear so many people proclaiming that they are sick of the drama when they are the ones that thrive on it.

But I am still loving Wollongong. I am still loving college life. I am beginning to like the person I have become so much better this year than I was last year. I'm still working on the whole confidence thing and eventually getting there. Sometimes I slip - sometimes I get in bad moods that I can't shake off, get snappy and sick of people, but long gone are the days where I faked a smile just to get through.

Assertiveness and happiness are knocking at the door.

WHAT UP

Again it's been a while. Life is busy. Even when it's not, it still feels that way. I mean as far as uni and coursework goes, I have it pretty lucky, my hours aren't intense at all. I think they'll be worse next session. But for some reason I feel like I'm always lacking time. Maybe living at college has something to do with that also, coz there is always something going on, someone to have a gossip session with, some sort of uni work to get done.

Not that I'm complaining at all, because I am loving every single minute of it, even if I have turned into a slightly more alcoholic party girl compared to what I was. But hey, that's college life for you. As long as my grades keep up, I have a great friends, and am having fun that's all that matters.

My friend went back home, the one that had the breakdown. It sucks because as she's American it's not like i can just go visit her. Two of my other close friends here are American also and they'll be leaving in July which really really sucks but such is life I guess. People are always coming and going.

As on the loooooove front - nothing much happening. Still the whole 'thrill of the chase' and after that infatuation is gone. I'm still back and forth about the whole 'a relationship would be nice' and the 'hell yeah I am loving single life'

Ha, that guy I had the big dilemma about, pretty much ignores me until he feels lonely. I don't even know what to make of that. I honestly believe he doesn't intentionally realising he is doing it, but whatever.

Heading home for the Gold Cup . Maybe will write about it, if it's interesting!

Never down and out

I am really worried about one of my good friends here. She's not responding anymore. Doesn't come out of her room, doesn't talk to anyone. I just went down to see her, and while I talked and asked questions etc, she just stared at me, unblinking, not saying anything, just staring. I don't know how it happened....I didn't pick up on any warning signs. It's like she has all of a sudden just snapped. I think she's going home soon. I'll miss her, but I guess in situations like this, it's just for the best.

I felt scared for her. And I feel bad for feeling scared, but I am just at such a loss and don't know what to do.

Home and back again

On the weekend I went home, taking some American friends with me. It was a fun weekend. I hadn't felt homesick beforehand, and nor do I now really, but going out on Saturday night, and partying with some old friends, made me feel slightly nolgastic.

As I hugged a friend and he excitedly told me he has a 'woman' in his life, as I danced with some others and as I ran into primary school buddies I hadn't seen for a while, it hit me - everyone is at that stage where things are changing. A lot.

When we left school, we all tried hard to maintain that same connection throughout the first year out of high school. As we move onto the second year out, you can see everyone being pulled into different directions. We are now a part of 'Life.' We are now growing up and turning into adults (well majority)

Leaving home felt weird again, after seeing all my friends. However once back in Wollongong, and after my first full day of uni yesterday, tutorials and all, the Wagga trip seemed like a distant memory already.

Sometimes I hate the fact we can't stay in touch with everyone. I think of close friends who have moved away, or even the crew I used to just meet out at the pubs and party with, and know that eventually these people are just a small part of our lives. I have to accept this, I know, but I do so reluctantly. Whether it be a former close friend, or a guy I had a casual relationship with that ended on good terms, whether it be the boys that I used to have dance offs with, or the girls I used to have gossip sessions with in the bathrooms. Eventually the ties fall off, and they become little specks in the distance. But such is life I guess.

Lust is never easy

Take note of the word lust. I believe in love as much as the next person, but unlike the next person, I believe way to many people (teenagers especially) confuse lust and infatuation to feelings of 'pure true love'


A little while ago I was excited to move, for numerous reasons, but one being a potential relationship with someone. But time passes and people change. Or maybe they don't change, but as you get closer to them, feelings pass, or they aren't the person you imagined in your head. Oh if only our imaginations could conjure something then life would be sweet.

I myself, have lusted over people. I have probably ever really REALLY liked, about 3 guys in my life. But even then I never fooled myself into thinking it was love. It was pure lust. And after the thrill of the chase, and when it got to the point where these guys liked me back, and things started happening, I get cold feet and my feelings start to disappear. Hence, lust/infatuation stage over before it can ever progress to love.

This is probably quite normal of a teenage girl.

I am the kind of girl that can hook up with a guy, and leave it at that. Then always in my situation the wrong guys get attached and want more, whereas that's done and I just want to be friends (probably typical male behaviour)
Then as soon as I hook up with a guy, and then they show no interest, apart from the brief hello, I find myself being drawn to them. Confusing no? It's like the guys I can get easily I don't want. As soon as it becomes the thrill of the chase, I am immediately infatuated, always with the wrong type of guy.

I'm just going to stick with the fact I have not yet come close to finding someone I want to commit too. Maybe one day...

So much stressing

About that relationship dilemma with a certain guy? For no reason! Who would have thought living closer to each other, would fuck everything up. We barely even talk now. Who knows. All I know is I'm over making the effort, and seeing I barely hear from him then I guess he is over it too.

Life goes on..

Start classes on Monday. Scary. I loved O week, I don't want it to end. I have a good timetable however. And Thursday mornings off, major bonus. Starting to live for the Wednesday nights! When I moved i was unsure on going out, because in wagga, you go out and always know people and I like that. But staying at weerona is good, so you always see familiar faces out and about anyway.

For now, I may go attempt at my 2nd driving experience (minus nav man) in this crazy city. Ahhh. Everyones seemed to go home for the weekend also, so i may go looking for a friend to come with, if anyones left.

Tomorrows adventures include Sydney, Mardi Gras, and going out maybe. No sleeping, get back to Wollongong early Sunday morning. Probably not the best idea for my cold, but hey. Live it up before the work starts right?

New town, New life

So week one in Wollongong has been amazing. Then again it was college O week, so it was so much fun. My poor liver took a battering but pulled through okay, just with a common cold now nicknamed the "weerona plague" as everyone here seems to be getting it.

I had so much fun this week, that I don't even want uni to start. I just want to live here and keep partying! But hopefully the course will be good, and god knows, my brain does need to be stimulated again.

I did things I never thought I'd do when sober - Including busking, stripping down to underwear outside the city Woolworths, food challenges, hugging strangers, being fake resuscitated etc. Gotta love scav hunts. Totally ridiculous.

So far I feel happier here. I haven't felt homesick once. The guy situation I was stressing about? Probably not worth. I think we are in two different stages of our lives. At the moment I am enjoying meeting new people, partying, and having fun.

Changes

It's been a while. I neglected you oh blog I am sorry. But here goes to posting more regularly. I need to keep on this writing thing.

UPDATES:

I am now unemployed after a year of working full time at the local cinema. This was a massive learning experience. You only had to glance through my older posts to realise how much I hated my job. The bullying, backstabbing, bitching. However for some bizarre reason I blocked it out and go on with it. And I'm so glad I had the inner strength to go through with it. I made some great friends, and have come out a stronger, more confident and honest person. Taking a gap year before uni was the right decision for me. I am more self aware, and am ready to embrace the new year with the new Tahlia.

I move in a weeks time. It is scary, and exciting. The time I have been dreaming and dreading simultaneously has arrived. 6 months ago if you told me it was time to go, I would have packed up my bags and gone running out the door. Now it's harder to leave. I've made some new friends, and it makes saying goodbye harder. However, I have to remember I will probably be making new friends in Wollongong. Wagga nightlife has picked up, and everything in Wagga has just seemed a lot more fun and carefree, and I love it. But it makes me glad I can leave with fond memories then.

It's always weird to think that some people you may just not keep in contact or ever see again. Whether it be my best friend who I have now drifted apart from after this last year, or whether it be the guy I have casually been hanging out with and hooking up with on a drunken saturday night. It makes me wonder why these people are in your life? To teach you something? To fill in time? Or to give you an everlasting memory of your young, wild and carefree days. Saying goodbye is sad. But it's something that must be done.

So Saturday night is my last in Wagga Wagga. I'll update and let you know how it goes. And within the next week I'll be writing to this blog, not in my family living room in a rural town, but in a small, crowded, on campus room, with the beach ten minutes away.

And so begins the new chapter of my life...

My life - a short update

I have been happy lately. This shouldn't be a weird thing, but I feel happier than I have for a long time. The things that used to get me down aren't so much anymore, and I feel like I'm finally taking a huge step forward into slowly becoming the person I really want to be.

It's my sisters 21st tonight! Should be a good night, may update on how it goes. The night starts with fishbowls (big arse alcoholic drinks that cost like $30) at 6pm and it should be all crazy from then on. Have another 21st next week, scrubs theme, which shall also be a good weekend, seeing as I have a whole TWO weekends off from work in a row which is a rarity.

Boring updates --> Work is good, healthy eating plan is going good, driving is ok, exercise isn't really happening but whatever. We'll get there when I get more time. Friends are good, home is good, Wagga is good. I really don't have much to complain about.

For some reason male attention has been a bit on the uprise lately which is weird, flattering but weird, considering I am not really interested. I'm just more focused on my family, friends and work at the moment, to bother with adding any complications. And also I know I wouldn't be able to commit to it, because it's not fair involving myself with someone, if I still deep down like someone else.

I've been working on my commitment issues. I realised I have been at my job now for 7 months, which is some kind of record for me. Because this time around when the going got tough a couple months back (and I assure you, it got real tough) I stuck it out, rather than bailed. This has somewhat turned me around I think. It shows me I am stronger than I originally thought I was, and that I'm finally putting those demons from the year 9 and 10 years of school behind me, letting go off the past and everything that happened and moving on. FINALLY

Looking forward to the future, and all experiences to come. Good or bad, it's all a learning curve.