Monday, March 9, 2009

Reality vs dreaming

Your going along in life, wandering aimlessly. You are content enough, maybe in a slightly bored way. The time you spend earning money and working, you also spend day dreaming and opening up your imagination to what is to come in the next few years. Higher education, new friends, new town. A chance at love. These are the happy day dreams, the warm ones, the ones that get you through that long day at work, that keep you content at night, that push you through the next day, the next week, the next month.

There is one problem with being a dreamer; You have to eventually wake up.

I just got this feeling of weird and perplexing feeling of dread. It makes no sense. I was sitting here writing away on my latest short story and it hit me. Just like that. Something bad is going to happen. Melodramatic sounding yes? I know, and I realise. But have you ever had a feeling so strong, so overwhelming and powerful that you just can't ignore it? That you sit there biting your bottom lip, your mind running in circles, wondering what it could possibly be. You can't identify it, nor work around it, or block it out. It's there, just like the sky and grass outside, never moving and always apparent. And just like that, as if it's something I've always been aware of, I know something I'm not going to like at all is going to happen. I'm not going to stoop to such dramatic levels and be like 'something bad or something awful is going to happen,' because what I could consider bad in my life, another may see it as the path to growing up.

I was filled with this overwhelming feeling of dread, which sooned to paranoia and worry. And then I realised I think I have a feeling of what that thing may be. And then I realise it's ultimately my fault. I got ahead of myself too much, to the point where I allowed myself to become vulnerable and easily hurt. I allowed myself to become hopeful, to become a dreamer, to become pathetically naive, and in doing this I lost track of what my reality is, as I was constantly dreaming of what I wanted my reality to be.

I've landed back down to earth, with a thud.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

If the suspense doesn't kill us, something else will

Everything seems a bit dead end right now.
I'm having a serious lack of energy and enthusiasm. Perfect example - A friend asks to go out Saturday night?
Normally a night of drinking, dancing, and socialising is a fun time for me. I sat there thinking 'you know what, I really cannot be bothered.'

But I force myself to go, because what else would I do but sit at home, and over think, and become totally emotive hardcore about things happening in my life, that really aren't that bad compared to what other people have to face. So I go, I smile, I come home exhausted from putting on such a fake act.

I'm not letting myself do this again. For every negative, I'm out to find a positive. Because I don't want to get to 10 years time, and look back and realise how good I had it, and how I never took advantage of it.


Negative: I'm not at uni with my friends this year
Positive: I'll go to uni with a shit load more money than they did

Negative: Some of my friendships that I never thought would fall apart seem to be. The strong bond, is slowly disintergrating, no matter how much effort I feel like I make.
Positive: Realising who my true friends are, and becoming more independant and meeting new people myself, rather than relying on others.

Negative: I hate my job. I hate getting up in the morning, and know thats where I am heading for 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week.
Positive: More determined to find something else that makes me happier.

Negative: My favourite band, The Getaway Plan, broke up
Positive: Ok sometimes you can't find a positive...

But you catch my drift.