Sunday, November 8, 2009

I dont ever want to forget

Is it sad some of the funnest times I've had have been when intoxicated? We all know Tahlia is a little more confident when drunk. I need to work on that sober.
I sound like an alco. I actually don't drink that often.

After The Last Midtown show is stuck in my head. It reminds me of last year. And it reminds me of now. The winding down for summer holidays, the nights staying out till 5 am, playing on play ground equipment, running amok.

3 months, and while I was hating on my life 6 months ago, I'm liking it now. The impending change I'm still excited for.
But I'm scared.

Friday, October 30, 2009

My life - a short update

I have been happy lately. This shouldn't be a weird thing, but I feel happier than I have for a long time. The things that used to get me down aren't so much anymore, and I feel like I'm finally taking a huge step forward into slowly becoming the person I really want to be.

It's my sisters 21st tonight! Should be a good night, may update on how it goes. The night starts with fishbowls (big arse alcoholic drinks that cost like $30) at 6pm and it should be all crazy from then on. Have another 21st next week, scrubs theme, which shall also be a good weekend, seeing as I have a whole TWO weekends off from work in a row which is a rarity.

Boring updates --> Work is good, healthy eating plan is going good, driving is ok, exercise isn't really happening but whatever. We'll get there when I get more time. Friends are good, home is good, Wagga is good. I really don't have much to complain about.

For some reason male attention has been a bit on the uprise lately which is weird, flattering but weird, considering I am not really interested. I'm just more focused on my family, friends and work at the moment, to bother with adding any complications. And also I know I wouldn't be able to commit to it, because it's not fair involving myself with someone, if I still deep down like someone else.

I've been working on my commitment issues. I realised I have been at my job now for 7 months, which is some kind of record for me. Because this time around when the going got tough a couple months back (and I assure you, it got real tough) I stuck it out, rather than bailed. This has somewhat turned me around I think. It shows me I am stronger than I originally thought I was, and that I'm finally putting those demons from the year 9 and 10 years of school behind me, letting go off the past and everything that happened and moving on. FINALLY

Looking forward to the future, and all experiences to come. Good or bad, it's all a learning curve.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Day 2

Day two of my kick start to a healthier lifestyle. It's going well enough eating wise. Fruit, vegetables, wholemeal bread instead of white, you name it I'm doing it.
Exercise - not so well. Dragging myself out of bed an hour earlier doesn't seem to appeal for me. Of course it is my fault because I go to bed too late. So that's going to have to be another thing to make myself a little healthier. Waaaaay better sleeping patterns have to be in order.
Now I know my exact weight, my mission is to lose at least 2 of those kilos. In no way do I consider myself fat or even verging on it. But I am not happy with my body in the slightest. This could be my inner 15 year old self coming out again. However i need to find a healthy balance between my 15 year old self, who was strict in eating patterns and exercise, to the point of being obsessed, and my 19 year old self, who's fitness has dwindled down over time so that exercise is a foreign concept and chocolate is a girls best friend.

My biggest problem is my patience. I am not one to start slow, and build up. I am the type of person to rush headlong into things and berate myself when I fail or can't keep up the pace. So for now I have to remind myself it's all baby steps. I won't get my fitness I used to possess back over night. Over the next few months however I want to be back there. And exercise won't have to be a dirty word in my vocabulary. It can be something I learn to enjoy.

Speaking of, it's time to do some before getting ready for work.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Get fit or die trying

So yeah I've said it a million or so times. I'm gonna eat healthy, I'm going to exercise rah rah rah *grabs chocolate bar*

Anyway I've been sick for a week and it has diminished my chocolate craving in a weird and amazing way. Not to mention that I am attending a holiday at the BEACH (yep people, beach body time) in less than 2 months, and the place I move to in 4 months also has a beach, you know, it's time to get serious.

To prove how serious I am, this blog is going to be my motivation. How so you wonder?
In a bid to improve my fitness, and improve my dedication to my blog (As we can tell, I forget about things easily, get easily distracted eeeeeeetc) it is to be updated on my get fit progress, as well as other trivial and probably boring details of my life. No one enjoys talking about me, more than me I guess.

I decided it's all about making the time (duh tahlia awesome conclusion, you go girl)
Getting up that little bit earlier and making time for exercise
Getting ready that little bit earlier to make healthier food to take to work, rather than being tempted by the easier, and waaaay fattier options.

GOAL -> To tone up, lose about 2.5 kilos, spend more time outdoors in the sun so I stop looking so vampire like (yeah man I was pale before twilight made it cool) and make healthy eating a automatic thing!

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Spring has sprung

and I feel happier already. Changes are coming. But for now I must head to work.

Sunday, August 30, 2009


It was quite the uneccessary act. They had talked about before how it would just be a fun night out, no drama. Of course it didn't happen, because it never does.

They headed back to their old haunting - it had changed since they had last been there. But the comfortable familiarity of the place was nice. Tonight they were going to ditch the new spot they'd been heading to for weeks now, and just have a night of drinking and dancing under lumiscent fluro lights.

It started because they were outside in the cold. She was impatient and wanted to go inside - he didn't because he didn't want to pay. She made a joke about how he liked to brag about how rich he was, and how it's not like he had to pay for accommodation or anything. As she waited for him to laugh back with her, she tensed when she noticed his expression change, and his eyes grow cold. The inevitable snap came - it happens all the time now when he had been drinking - if it's not with her, it's with someone else.

It's like a train gathering speed. Small hisses, as the speed picks up, and then steam and loud noises as it barrels over the train tracks.
The one change this time - She fought back.

His words hit under the surface of the carefully placed walls. Everything she had ever told him was thrown back in her face. He was relentless in his wanting to hurt her. She was weak for letting it get to her so much. Once he saw how upset he had made her, he angrily asked why she was still his friend. Deep down she didn't know. The answer?
'When it's good it's great. I understand you better than anyone else has, and you're the same with me. But I don't know how long I can keep doing this for.'

He called her every name under the sun. She didn't flinch, just watched through blurry eyes. He told her to walk away from the friendship. He towered over her as she sat, arms wrapped around knees tightly, in a defensive and protective gesture. He threw insults until he was red in the face.

Passer bys watched with changing expressions - amusement, pity, confusion. Some yelled out their advice. Other offered words of comfort to the girl on the stoop. She instantly had a way of making people want to protect her. She hated this about herself - She wasn't vulnerable. She hadn't built all these walls up over the years to be seen as weak. But there she was. Sitting on the stoop, shivering, tears running silently down, staring at the ground.

'Don't worry about him sweetheart! You're way too good for him!' A drunken man leered as he walked past.
Another guy sat down next to her, and stared at the guy as he continued ranting oblivious.
'Don't put up with this. Your boyfriends a pyscho. He's fat anyway. Walk away now.' He gave her a one armed hug and continued on his path. The only thing she could say back;
'He's not my boyfriend'

Finally her snap came. It was bound to happen. The tension of the last few months came out. He tried to talk over the top of her, but she silenced him. He immediately tried to get her to lower her voice, but it was like a dam had exploded. He denied her allegations, tried to make it out like she was making it all up. Deep down he knew she was right, but he was too arrogant to see it. She accused that he couldn't take honesty. She said she had always been the one fighting for the friendship. She demanded to be left alone. She walked away.

She made it to the next street, before sitting down, not knowing what to do from here. A group of girls came up and sat down asking if she was okay. This is the exact position she never wanted to be seen in. Thinking that, made the tears come again. The girl comforted her, smoothing back her hair, offering her make up and keeping an arm around her. She didn't deserve this kindess from strangers, but would remain grateful for it.

On her way again, she walked down to their latest haunt. She ignored the calls from him, coming every few minutes or so. He sent her a message 'if you don't come back this friendship is over.' In her mind, it already was. She got there, hands frozen as she tried to take out her ID - the security guard waved her in without looking. She went into the bathroom - she didn't look as bad as she felt. She slipped the mask back in place, and chatted happily with a few randoms in the line up, smiling and laughing along.

As she walked back through the pub, she spotted him, and he spotted her. He came running up and gave her a huge hug, apologising and laughing at the same time. She hugged him back, but deep down inside her something had changed. She wasn't going to let this happen again.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Imaginary conversations

Imagine if we gave the real answers to what we were thinking. Simple everyday questions would take on a whole new meaning. We'd find out too much information about each other. We wouldn't know which answers to give. We would get stuck in awkward moments.

How are you today?

Why tired?
I've forgotten how to sleep peacefully.
Oh that's no good. Maybe you should go to bed earlier?
That's not it. I can't sleep till early morning. And then I constantly wake up. I can't stop having nightmares. I'm tired all the time, and I've lost a passion. I'm at a crosspaths and I am sick of waiting. I have no energy, and I fake laugh constantly.
.....Oh. Ok.

Monday, August 10, 2009

The journey of the bus ride

I step onto the bus, my heels clicking slightly on the hard surface. 'Just going downtown thanks" I murmur to the bus driver. She glances at me. 'Concession?' She asks. I nod a yes automatically before I remember I am in the inbetween year. Technically I am no longer a concession, and won't be for another 6 months. I am an adult. She asks for my concession card. I fake searching through my wallet. 'It's not there, don't worry about it' I say. Why the false pretense? I don't even know why I do some of the things I do.

I continue down the bus, ignoring the eyes looking at the new arrival to board. I notice I don't fit in here. This doesn't surprise me. I never quite fit in, nor stand out. Slipping under the radar is a game I could go pro at. However dressed in tight jeans, long boots, an oversized cardigan, striped scarf, my hair straightened to perfection, my fringe obeying me for once, and my make up covering facial flaws I feel slightly self concious as I take in the people around me, eyes hidden behind over sized sunglasses. I slip in my ipod headphones and continue to observe.

There is a young couple sitting across from me. My age, couldn't be much older. They have a toddler in a pram. The girl looks typical teenage drop out, with a typical drop kick boyfriend. I immediately feel some guilt at my shallow first impressions as I watch the boy smile rather lovingly at his daughter as he rocks the pram. I can't help wonder though if they ever had a plan and whether having a child so young was part of it. I glance at the girl, her hair tied back in a tight ponytail, regrowth seeping through. I wonder if she got mixed in with a wrong crowd. I wonder what her parents said when they found out she was pregnant. I wonder if she dreamed of getting out of the town, and pursuing bigger dreams. I wonder if her baby is the best thing that has ever happened to her.

I feel my neck prickle, and I glance discreetly over at a man, who is also looking at me. He is old, a bitter expression on his lined face. He holds onto a walking frame, and continues to glance around at the patrons on the bus, his brow furrowed. I wonder if he does what I do - observe, think and wonder. I wonder what he thinks of me then when he looks at me. I wonder if his thoughts on the young couple were similar to mine. I could be wrong though. Maybe he's just looking at the different views outside the window. It wouldn't be the first time I've been wrong.

A lady drops down in the seat in front of me. Her hair is slicked with oil at the top, before the greasy strands turn thicker, into a ball of fluff at the bottom. A bobby pin secures the hair back. I wonder when the last time she washed her hair was. I wonder if I would ever get to the point of not caring as to go out in public like that.

The bus is a symbol of what I don't want my life to be. It is a place of lost dreams, lost hope. It is a place of people who have given up. You can see it in their eyes. They aren't content, aren't happy. I vow to myself I am never going to be another lost soul, riding on a bus, in a desparate and futile attempt to find the right destination.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

If I sleep for long enough, will the next 6 months fly by?

It's an awful thing really, wanting to wish away time. I mean here I am dreading turning another year older in 2 weeks, but at the same time I wish I could close my eyes, and re open them to find my future life not being so incredibly far away.
Even that to an extent is not so true. I know what I want. And I know what I need to do to get there. But I've always been an impatient person - Generation Y - apparently we expect things at the click of our fingers, and don't want to do the hard yards.

It's not that I am against doing the hard work. I know for a fact, to get where I want to in 10 years time, I am going to have to do the hard work - work experience, little to no pay, getting peoples coffees for them etc. I don't consider myself above that in the slightest.

I guess my situation is slightly different with this traineeship in that - it is nothing I am passionate about. Hell, I don't even need my retail 2 certificate.
So I'm going to put it out there; I don't love my job. I hate the hours I work. I strongly dislike some of the people I work with. I am told 'they own me' and I cannot request time off, even though I am entitled to full holiday pay when needed.

In nearly 6 months working there, I have had a total of two weekends off. One was given to me, the other I had to request, and they weren't happy in the slightest.
I'm not the sort of person to give up - Apart from the fact the availability of jobs going here is dismal, I tend to push myself to keep going, even if it gets the point of me generally being very unhappy.
However now we are in August. I am giving myself a deadline - no more laziness. My halfway point of my traineeship is up mid september, and that is where I can officially apply for early completion and get the hell out. And that is exactly what I plan to do.
Procrasination is an old friend - but like many old friends, sometimes we need to let them go.

Wish me luck

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Not happy krudd.

Dear Mr Kevin Rudd aka Prime Minister,

I am not happy with you. At All.
I would just like to point out, that many young people take a gap year ... key word being YEAR. This year equates to working hard for 12 months...not 18.
Generally we don't want a Gap GAP year. We take this year, and work our arses off (well some of us do) in order to meet the criteria to recieve youth allowance. And now what? You pull that opportunity out from under our feet? NOT HAPPY!

What about those of us who have to move 5 hours away from home? Who don't have the luxury of being able to live at home still to save money. Who may move to cities where it is generally difficult to find a job to be able to support ourselves. Who took this gap year for the SOLE purpose of earning the money to be able to get some government support? Well thankyou, for letting us know NOW that it was a waste of time.

In some senses I was glad I had a couple other reasons to take a gap year *Cough* license *cough*. And no doubt, I will be better off next year than I would have been if I went this year, cause I will have more money regardless, but this still doesn't change the fact that many school leavers, who have taken a gap year did it because they NEED the govt support. Not want, NEED.

Especially the rural kids. Especially those that have to move hours away from home. Especially those who wanted to focus hard on their studies for a while without having to worry about juggling uni and work in order to be able to support themselves.Bluntly - This fucking sucks. And once again, I repeat. I AM NOT HAPPY!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

New blog;

While this blog is mostly centred on me and my feelings, what's going on in my life, I have decided to make a new blog, to blog on things in the outer world. Usually I put these blogs on myspace, some of them, but ultimately after I finish uni, I want to be a writer/journalist. This new blog is simply just practice, practice at writing, practice as analysing the entertainment world.

When saying I want to be a journalist I must be specific. I've never been a sports, weather, general news, politics girl. It's not the fact I don't care, it's the fact that my interested is waned. From a very young age though, the entertainment industry always fascinated me, the good and the bad aspects. I was reading my nonna's so called gossip magazines from a very tender age. I don't find the gossip so much fascinating, just more of the lives these so called role models or celebrities lead. Ever wondered what it would be like, to be in their shoes for one day? Some may scoff at me, but every person has a story to tell. I want to be able to tell the stories of others, in an honest and true portrayal, see the person behind the famous facade. Because in the end, they have their own battles to face and are human just like us.

Sometimes I have an obvious discernment towards the media. This can be obvious in my blogs. Why then do I want to join the industry that I can be critical towards? Strange I know, and I can't really explain it. To make a difference? I'm not sure. If I am fortunate enough to be able to be a music journalist or second best an entertainment writer, I would like to think I can do it well. Through my analysation of some magazines and the hypocrisy I see in them (See the first blog on my new page) I know that, that is not the type of reporting I want to do. And in knowing that, I think that can help make a difference.

So the link to the new blog. Follow, read, do what you do. See the world through my eyes;

Monday, March 9, 2009

Reality vs dreaming

Your going along in life, wandering aimlessly. You are content enough, maybe in a slightly bored way. The time you spend earning money and working, you also spend day dreaming and opening up your imagination to what is to come in the next few years. Higher education, new friends, new town. A chance at love. These are the happy day dreams, the warm ones, the ones that get you through that long day at work, that keep you content at night, that push you through the next day, the next week, the next month.

There is one problem with being a dreamer; You have to eventually wake up.

I just got this feeling of weird and perplexing feeling of dread. It makes no sense. I was sitting here writing away on my latest short story and it hit me. Just like that. Something bad is going to happen. Melodramatic sounding yes? I know, and I realise. But have you ever had a feeling so strong, so overwhelming and powerful that you just can't ignore it? That you sit there biting your bottom lip, your mind running in circles, wondering what it could possibly be. You can't identify it, nor work around it, or block it out. It's there, just like the sky and grass outside, never moving and always apparent. And just like that, as if it's something I've always been aware of, I know something I'm not going to like at all is going to happen. I'm not going to stoop to such dramatic levels and be like 'something bad or something awful is going to happen,' because what I could consider bad in my life, another may see it as the path to growing up.

I was filled with this overwhelming feeling of dread, which sooned to paranoia and worry. And then I realised I think I have a feeling of what that thing may be. And then I realise it's ultimately my fault. I got ahead of myself too much, to the point where I allowed myself to become vulnerable and easily hurt. I allowed myself to become hopeful, to become a dreamer, to become pathetically naive, and in doing this I lost track of what my reality is, as I was constantly dreaming of what I wanted my reality to be.

I've landed back down to earth, with a thud.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

If the suspense doesn't kill us, something else will

Everything seems a bit dead end right now.
I'm having a serious lack of energy and enthusiasm. Perfect example - A friend asks to go out Saturday night?
Normally a night of drinking, dancing, and socialising is a fun time for me. I sat there thinking 'you know what, I really cannot be bothered.'

But I force myself to go, because what else would I do but sit at home, and over think, and become totally emotive hardcore about things happening in my life, that really aren't that bad compared to what other people have to face. So I go, I smile, I come home exhausted from putting on such a fake act.

I'm not letting myself do this again. For every negative, I'm out to find a positive. Because I don't want to get to 10 years time, and look back and realise how good I had it, and how I never took advantage of it.


Negative: I'm not at uni with my friends this year
Positive: I'll go to uni with a shit load more money than they did

Negative: Some of my friendships that I never thought would fall apart seem to be. The strong bond, is slowly disintergrating, no matter how much effort I feel like I make.
Positive: Realising who my true friends are, and becoming more independant and meeting new people myself, rather than relying on others.

Negative: I hate my job. I hate getting up in the morning, and know thats where I am heading for 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week.
Positive: More determined to find something else that makes me happier.

Negative: My favourite band, The Getaway Plan, broke up
Positive: Ok sometimes you can't find a positive...

But you catch my drift.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Appearances and illusions

I think that when someone is self-conscious about something on their body/face, that they tend to take more notice of these features on other people.
For example, I am most self conscious about my nose and teeth. So I tend to notice these features on my friends, on people I have just met, people I don't even know, or people on TV more so than I would notice their hair, weight (unless it was really obvious), eyes etc.
I don't notice to judge them, but I notice to compare.
These sort of comparisons are probably not that healthy, especially when the majority of the time it will leave me even more self-conscious.

When I mentioned this theory to someone, they laughed at me and said they didn't even take notice of these features of myself I don't like. Which makes me think of different peoples perceptions. Such as one of my friends thinks she has a 'chubby' face but I have never noticed in my life, until she pointed it out, then I still disagreed.
It's funny what we have hang ups about as individuals within ourselves, other people may have never noticed. So maybe our noses, eyes, faces, mouth, teeth aren't as bad as we think they are? Or maybe because we are just so used to seeing our images, that we scrutinise it and pick out what we consider flaws so much easier than what another person would do.

Maybe it all comes down to having self-confidence or not caring what people think. Or maybe an individual, will always have that seed of self-doubt implanted in them, no matter what they look like to other people.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

One of those nights, when you leave me for no reason

Sometimes I have repetitive conversations with my dad. They go like this...

Me: Daaaaaad, can you please kill a spider in my room?
Dad: Ok then
Me: Thankyou!
Dad: Ok its gone
Me: Thankyou!

Or in the case of last night, conversation one was said, and then 30 minutes later came conversation two.

Me: daaaaaaaad theres another one!
Dad: *sigh* Again?
Me: *nods, and sticks bottom lip out*
Dad: Ok ok
Me: Thankyou!
Dad: Ok its dead *shows me*
Me: AHHH *screams and runs away*

I can't explain it right now, my I have this weird case of paranoia kicking in due to some different situations. I don't like this as it makes me feel inferior. It worries me all day, and I can't sleep at all. Half the time it could be over one thing that someone has said and then I stress about it all night, wondering if I have done something wrong, wondering how to fix things when it may not even be my fault. But I am always so ready to jump to the conclusion that it must have been something I have done wrong. I don't know why.
It's only 9.05 am but I can tell it's already going to be one of those days...

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


I have become one of those girls I swore to myself I never would become. The type that is instantly happy when talking to him, the type who checks their phone more often than usual in hope that he has wrote another message, the type that could talk to him all day, but fears looking desparate, the type that will automatically think of him and imagine what could be when she has a spare moment and the type that knows perfectly well for the time being, any concept or notion of some sort of romance is way out of the question but still remains pathetically naive, even oblivious to this fact in the hope that something may eventuate when the two futures collide.
The type that knows perfectly well for now she is wasting time, but doesn't care.

In other news;
- I have a full time job starting in 2 weeks. While it's not my ideal job and has 40 hour working weeks, the pay is good. If I work for 6 months it allows me to earn around $15 000, and by the time next year rolls around I'll have earnt the $18 000 needed, to be able to receive government support for when I go to university which will be a relief.

- I got sick of my natural brown hair colour, and proceeded to dye it dark brown and red. Every few months I go through some weird invention stage. And before anyone dares to say I'm moving into a scene kid stage -- been there, done that :P

- Every day this month has been over 35 degrees celcius. You can see the heat shimmering of the roads. It's like one of those really bad country and western movies where the heat is so visible in the air. I walk past people on the street, see make up sweating off their red faces, their slightly damp hair tied back messily, sunglasses slipping off their noses. I also see other people panting along the side of their road, pushing their legs and arms in earnest desperation to keep running faster, in a bid to stay fit. I want to ask them if they are crazy, sit them down, get them a bottle of water, slap them on the face to wake them up. But I just watch.

- I went a month without alcohol/partying, then decided to celebrate in a very drunken fashion, so much so I got a lecture on my parents on drinking responsibly. I love how they ignore the fact that I don't drink for a month, then one night I have a little bit to much and the next day I get sat down for a lecture, while I am miserably hungover and staring at them bleary eyed, eyes fluttering in a bid to go back to bed and sleep it off, not taking in a word of what they have to say.

That's about it for now!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Hot Hot Heat...

How I would give anything to trade places with someone overseas right about now.
Or rather wish that my hometown had better facilities than an over crowded swimming pool filled with children.
A beach for example would be great.
Or even if the air conditioner got fixed that would also be great.
Today peaked at 45 degrees celcius. The humidity is ridiculous!

It makes me feel so restless. I can't sit at the computer for too long as it gets to hot, and I need to go refill my glass of ice. I can't read for too long before I have to get off the lounge as it gets to hot. I can't watch TV comfortably due to the heat. I can't get to sleep until 2/3 am because normally you'd think the nights would cool down a bit but no such luck. I then wake at 8 because it starts to heat up again.

I knew there was a reason to as why I didn't like summer! Being in a drought affected area doesn't help with water restrictions and all.

Anyway I'm going to stop complaining and go see if the Ice has set in the freezer yet already. I NEED MORE!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Realisations and Revelations..

I think I have a tendency to lead guys on. I feel bad about it, but a couple situations have just happened over the last month that has made me (over)think about this problem.
In the words of Katy Perry, I'm too hot and cold, yes then no, in then out, up and then down. One minute, I'll meet a nice guy, get along with him really well, share a kiss or more, and then I'll be ready to forget about him and move on. Meanwhile there he is texting me, wanting to meet up again, wanting more...possibly a relationship and I just don't know what to do to show my interest is lacking. It's happened to a few guys lately, and I feel like a horrible person. I am keen on them at the time, but I don't know. I'm not against relationships at all, to be honest right now I'd quite like one, but I don't want to jump into it for the sake of being with someone.

Then I start to think - am I too shallow? Too quick to point out their flaws in a bid to turn me off them? Or am I just not meeting the type of guy I can commit to?

It's pretty confusing. And I genuinely like these guys, but after that initial first hook up, I just want to be friends and generally they don't want just friendship. They either try to make it more serious, or expect me to hook up with them on a casual level.

I'm personally in a confused state of mind. I guess when I like someone, and want more I'll know at the time. But for now, I'm enjoying the single life. I enjoy when a kiss is just a kiss, and it's just a random one off encounter. I'm just kind of tired of feeling like I may be hurting people in the process.