Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Appearances and illusions

I think that when someone is self-conscious about something on their body/face, that they tend to take more notice of these features on other people.
For example, I am most self conscious about my nose and teeth. So I tend to notice these features on my friends, on people I have just met, people I don't even know, or people on TV more so than I would notice their hair, weight (unless it was really obvious), eyes etc.
I don't notice to judge them, but I notice to compare.
These sort of comparisons are probably not that healthy, especially when the majority of the time it will leave me even more self-conscious.

When I mentioned this theory to someone, they laughed at me and said they didn't even take notice of these features of myself I don't like. Which makes me think of different peoples perceptions. Such as one of my friends thinks she has a 'chubby' face but I have never noticed in my life, until she pointed it out, then I still disagreed.
It's funny what we have hang ups about as individuals within ourselves, other people may have never noticed. So maybe our noses, eyes, faces, mouth, teeth aren't as bad as we think they are? Or maybe because we are just so used to seeing our images, that we scrutinise it and pick out what we consider flaws so much easier than what another person would do.

Maybe it all comes down to having self-confidence or not caring what people think. Or maybe an individual, will always have that seed of self-doubt implanted in them, no matter what they look like to other people.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

One of those nights, when you leave me for no reason

Sometimes I have repetitive conversations with my dad. They go like this...

Me: Daaaaaad, can you please kill a spider in my room?
Dad: Ok then
Me: Thankyou!
Dad: Ok its gone
Me: Thankyou!

Or in the case of last night, conversation one was said, and then 30 minutes later came conversation two.

Me: daaaaaaaad theres another one!
Dad: *sigh* Again?
Me: *nods, and sticks bottom lip out*
Dad: Ok ok
Me: Thankyou!
Dad: Ok its dead *shows me*
Me: AHHH *screams and runs away*

I can't explain it right now, my I have this weird case of paranoia kicking in due to some different situations. I don't like this as it makes me feel inferior. It worries me all day, and I can't sleep at all. Half the time it could be over one thing that someone has said and then I stress about it all night, wondering if I have done something wrong, wondering how to fix things when it may not even be my fault. But I am always so ready to jump to the conclusion that it must have been something I have done wrong. I don't know why.
It's only 9.05 am but I can tell it's already going to be one of those days...

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


I have become one of those girls I swore to myself I never would become. The type that is instantly happy when talking to him, the type who checks their phone more often than usual in hope that he has wrote another message, the type that could talk to him all day, but fears looking desparate, the type that will automatically think of him and imagine what could be when she has a spare moment and the type that knows perfectly well for the time being, any concept or notion of some sort of romance is way out of the question but still remains pathetically naive, even oblivious to this fact in the hope that something may eventuate when the two futures collide.
The type that knows perfectly well for now she is wasting time, but doesn't care.

In other news;
- I have a full time job starting in 2 weeks. While it's not my ideal job and has 40 hour working weeks, the pay is good. If I work for 6 months it allows me to earn around $15 000, and by the time next year rolls around I'll have earnt the $18 000 needed, to be able to receive government support for when I go to university which will be a relief.

- I got sick of my natural brown hair colour, and proceeded to dye it dark brown and red. Every few months I go through some weird invention stage. And before anyone dares to say I'm moving into a scene kid stage -- been there, done that :P

- Every day this month has been over 35 degrees celcius. You can see the heat shimmering of the roads. It's like one of those really bad country and western movies where the heat is so visible in the air. I walk past people on the street, see make up sweating off their red faces, their slightly damp hair tied back messily, sunglasses slipping off their noses. I also see other people panting along the side of their road, pushing their legs and arms in earnest desperation to keep running faster, in a bid to stay fit. I want to ask them if they are crazy, sit them down, get them a bottle of water, slap them on the face to wake them up. But I just watch.

- I went a month without alcohol/partying, then decided to celebrate in a very drunken fashion, so much so I got a lecture on my parents on drinking responsibly. I love how they ignore the fact that I don't drink for a month, then one night I have a little bit to much and the next day I get sat down for a lecture, while I am miserably hungover and staring at them bleary eyed, eyes fluttering in a bid to go back to bed and sleep it off, not taking in a word of what they have to say.

That's about it for now!