Lately I've been feeling hopeless. It sounds really stupid actually. On the outside I shouldn't have any sort of reason to be feeling such negative feelings. And I know this mood will pass.
Seeing or hearing little things, that shouldn't mean anything, get to me because I tend to overanalyse a lot. Such as reading an email my parents wrote to an aunt that lives a few hours away:
"Lauren is doing really well in uni, recieving great marks etc etc"
"Renae recently made it to NSW level for running, a great achievement"
"Tahlia is well."
Sometimes I envy my sisters as much as I love them. Then that makes me feel like an awful person. Lauren (eldest sister) is so focused. She knows what she wants to do, and goes about doing it. It also helps that she is incredibly pretty. Renae (youngest sister) is the sort of one that has alot going for her. Sporty, athletic, smart enough, outgoing personality.
One night it came to the point in having to describe each girl. "Laurens the pretty, smart one" Renae had decided. I told Renae she was also the equally pretty but sports talented one. Then it's Tahlia's turn. After much umm-ing and ahh-ing I got this one "Tahlia's the...imaginative one?"
Going through life being the dreamer, isn't going to take me very far. Not in my world. I gave up the battle for my parents attention long ago. Don't get me wrong, they are great parents, but when you've got your middle child sufficiently lacking in looks and talent then of course the attention is more directed to the other two.
So to me, it's okay they didn't notice when I locked myself in the bathroom after every meal. It's okay when they didn't notice me picking at my food at the dinner table. It's okay when they didn't notice self inflicted injuries. It's okay when they didn't notice me not having the energy to get out of bed on numerous occasions. To be perfectly honest I am happy they didn't notice. Because then I could help myself. I was the one that pulled myself through these stages. No one else. Not them, not professionals. And looking back, I wouldn't want it any other way.
Don't get me wrong, I'm normally quite happy and easygoing. But sometimes I wonder if all the fight I had to possess to get me through certain situations is still there. I have no direction for my future. I don't know what I want to do or where I want to be, and this scares me. I want to be able to find something in life to be passionate about, and to succeed so well in, because then I can prove people wrong. I can prove that I can be noticed and I can prove that I do have the ability and talent to succeed.
I have my 2009 goal, so it seems.